Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??

You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.

[speed dating]

Him: have you ever been married?

Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom

Him: lol aww you were 5?

Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30

*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*

adam and eve had first world problems

Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR

Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME

*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.

me: listen pal no one talks to me that way

guy with british accent:

Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele

My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?

When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.

Them: how old are you

Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.

When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.

My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.

interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any

me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses

(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds

Priorities

You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.

Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”

Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”

[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s

How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.

Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?

Me: *being patted down* I can explain

Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”

Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.

If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath

how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch

Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women