*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
You Might Also Like
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
This is my cat’s medicine.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.