[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
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My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this
Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING