opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day
You Might Also Like
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Saturday
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges
