opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day
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Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?
It’s Journalism 101, people!
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.