Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
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I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…
I’m never going to recover from this.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Got my shingles shot. Just to be safe, I got one against vinyl siding too.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.