Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
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what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Everything reminds me of my ex
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…
guys I’m not able to take a screenshot of my spotify wrapped but it’s full of super niche underground alt critically acclaimed artists that none of you have probably ever heard of I pinky promise
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Just had my nails done!
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
You have been warned.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).