opening twitter today
You Might Also Like
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Me trying to reach for my goals
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
[dinner party]
GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.
ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?
[everyone slowly turns their head]
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.