Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
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Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Smells like a challenge to me
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*