Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
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CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
reviewed some movies recently
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Children of the corn 🌽
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls