Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.

[5am]

Cat: *retching in the hallway*

Me: *tired moan*

My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.

This seems like peak sibling energy

Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*

Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.

Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE

what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???

*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*

Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor

Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing

A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?

me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.

Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.

life coach: be the best version of yourself

me: I am

life coach: hahaha wait are you serious

What do best men at weddings in France do?

Making French toasts!

#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes

[gym]

me: please wipe that down when you’re done

guy at urinal: what

Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.

Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.

I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.

“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article

I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.

The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles

cat: *unresponsive*

bartender: get this catatonic

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over

5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.

I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?

Bully: gimme ur sandwich

Me [pulls knife]

Bully: hey man I don’t want any-

Me: -crusts. i know

everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture