Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
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Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.