Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?

Me: Well, son …

[to be continued]

people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying

The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.

I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A

Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?

I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.

At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.

I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.

These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.

Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…

I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”

My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?

“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.

[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?

me: what did you go as for halloween

coworker: I wore-

me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR

coworker:

me:

coworker: did you just ask me that to-

me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you

Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.

I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out

A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app

Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.

People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:

“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“

doing some research

I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw

I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.

Foo fighters still fighting foo.

I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.

[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry

Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.