Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!

My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.

Unscramble: pnise

If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.

Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.

When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:

My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.

Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters

I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty

boss: can i talk to you in my office

me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too

I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!

Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.

My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it

Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.

Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?

All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.

Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:

– Tweezers

[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button

bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast

the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store

My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.

*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car

You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.

January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.

Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?

Have kids.

I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.

You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.

When I think about you, I touch myself.

In the face.

With my fist.

[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens

My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.