Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.

[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”

Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?

Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working

The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.

Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.

I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife

Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up

I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.

Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.

Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.

I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches

Me)Print

Printer)No

Me)Print

Printer)No

Me)PRINT

Printer)No

Me)PRINT!!!

Printer)Here’s 8,000

they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too

“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”

I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.

If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.

This is the greatest Twitter thread ever

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches

Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.

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*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*

Teacher: How was your vacation?

My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.

[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”

LOL

BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife

“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now

The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?

Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.

This is the best one I’ve seen