Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
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My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
May have had one breakfast too many
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
This is sending me to another galaxy
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself