@IvoryGazelle

Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”

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@NoogsCorner

Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.

@Michael1979

5 ways I am superior to a horse:

1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM

@KalvinMacleod

NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year

ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe

@j88ess

Stop trying to make small talk with me in an elevator. It’s 2013. Stare at your phone like a normal person

@ShaeAaron

My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.

@NicestHippo

POLICE CHIEF: They call him the copycat killer
ONE OF THE COPS (mocking tone): They call him the copycat killer
[everyone looks at him]
Oops

@Browtweaten

Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins

Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-

Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed

Me: … that long

@Contwixt

You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.

@raeraefairydust

My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.

Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.

@jollyrobber

If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.