*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
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I make one little mistake and now my pharmacist adds, “by mouth” to all my prescriptions labels
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
*fills out form*
*clicks “send me a copy”*
email: *dings*
me: ooh what’s that
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
I’m giving up for Lent.