*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
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Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
I just post them. I don’t explain them.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Milk Cube
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?