Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

them: do you think about other people when you have sex

me: when I have what now

I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.

Me: *walks into room*

My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.

Me: *walks back out of room*

Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.

Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you

Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual

Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free

ME: *lying on deathbed*

DEATH: get off my bed

I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.

My love language is hissing.

*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*

*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*

Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.

Going to a wedding today:

Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.

Clearly I have work to do with the little one.

“Am I the only one who-?”

There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.

When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower

My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.

Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.

Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?

I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever

My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.

Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.

Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.

Be careful what you put out there.

Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.

Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player

Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor

Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison

Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.

Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.

You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.

My mama didn’t raise no fool.

Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.

Are you dating a bunch of bees?

My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.

“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”

*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*

“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game

me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief

also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom

why he move like a hotel transylvania character