*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
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Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
need someone to feed me Doritos while i read, so i don’t mess up the pages. no weirdos.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”