*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
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At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Tony Hawk, age 6
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?