Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.

Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.

CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands

ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*

CDC: Also brush your teeth

WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*

CDC: And take out the garbage

WORLD: Wait what?

CDC: Go make your bed

WORLD: Stop it

CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean

“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.

This is now my favourite pie chart ever.

I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people

[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist

I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.

[in bed]

Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you

an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.

#have a #great #PancakeDay

Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.

“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour

Cop lights are so pretty at night

I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.

I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.

I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.

This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.

Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job

Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.

No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.

My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.

If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?

Checkmate, science.

Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.

dog: why can’t I see colors?

me: you’re visually impaired.

dog: what’s impai?

tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”

My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.

twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff