*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
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I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
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[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Okay me first
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Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite