Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.

oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods

Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear.

Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?

Are aliens their primary customers?

banana peels are my favorite fall accessories

[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car

“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago

Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.

Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password

You’re welcome

Dog: I didn’t do it.

Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.

I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.

How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy

Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”

I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.

A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.

Whoa. Wait a minute.

So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?

Damn it!

*starts scraping off her stickers*

Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”

Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌

During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.

My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados

Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!

Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

Thanks for following

In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.

Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”

Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?

me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights

her: “that’s not true”

text from Beth: that’s not true

[war]

COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat

DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war

I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.

*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want

If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone

I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.