Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i got 100% on my daughters assignment.

So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.

I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome

its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”

*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”

1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent

I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied

I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.

I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.

Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.

And that about sums it up.

Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day

Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

Me: I need sex, and I need it now…

Her: I understand. You want to be alone.

Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.

[first day as a detective]

cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene

me: *under breath* birds

Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.

Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*

I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.

The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.

The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.

The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.

“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand

my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)

my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to

Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.

North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons

One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.

Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.

Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p