Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend

me, modern and woke: okay great

my daughter: he’s a bee

me: *clenching my jaw* okay great

BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?

ROBHURT: yeh

The internet is full of many things

A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit

Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*

Cop: step out of the car please

Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes

[God inventing snakes]

What about a scarf that could kill you?

imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better

Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away

Me asks *my kid to do his home work*

My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?

Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”

People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.

I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.

I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.

I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again

having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon

Better than a Justin Bieber concert:

1. Being deaf.

2. A rattlesnake bite.

3. Chewing razor blades.

4. Licking a public toilet seat.

If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.

Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women

Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.

There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other

I’d tell you to go to Hell, but i work there and don’t wanna see you everyday.

[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then

Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!

teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.

If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone

I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach

– my dog begging

I may be small, but so is a grenade.

Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.

At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”