*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
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My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.