*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
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i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.