Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid

The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?

*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)

Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?

Horrifying if literal: a handbag

waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain

Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”

H: It’s called a wine stopper.

Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”

Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.

Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!

Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.

If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.

DOG 911: what’s your emer-

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING

DOG 911: so?

DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.

Me: Whoa…What are you doing?

Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.

Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.

Her:

I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles

Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.

“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows

An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.

Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.

me: have you seen my hoodie?

her: you mean our hoodie???

A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.

can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.

I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.

Me. I hit him.

That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.

Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.

pal: what’s your favorite band

me: idk probably rubber

Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.

I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.

There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.

The elephant is my spirit animal.

1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms

Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?

Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*

Worst feelings:

1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help