*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
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[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Go bears!
(I’m not watching football I just hate salmon)
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party