Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
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wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.