@thestlouisan

*opens bathroom door so everyone can hear me washing my hands*

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@missionmantn

Son: “Dad, why do scuba divers always fall backwards into the water?

Me: “If they fell forwards they would still be in the boat.”

Wife: “Please stop talking to our children.”

@TheBoydP

I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

@agnessaintcalf

Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.

@awkwardphilippe

PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage

ME: (clearing throat)

BRIDE:

GROOM:

PRIEST:

ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now

@fuzzlime

Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”

@MumInBits

Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv

Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES

@simoncholland

Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.

@SteussieErica

Sexy Time:

*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*

@Cheeseboy22

I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.