Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:

I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.

I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.

Dear Diary,

I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.

social media jobs be like:

Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?

Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business

£13k, Slough

“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs

[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone

all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot

Dear Satan,

God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.

Love,
Me

Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?

TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin

My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭

Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.

The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing

me: are you a cop you talk the talk.

ex-cop: not anymore

me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.

ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.

Me: I’m depressed

Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA

Me: How will that help?!

Doctor: Who’s a good boy?

Me: I AM

Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.

Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression

omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client

Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now

I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.

Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.

Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?

As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.

Pizza Hut: May I take your order?

Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?

Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.

(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)

Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?

Me: uh… someone from Virginia

Her: Have you planned your funeral?

Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.

Her: (Stares)

Me: What? Are you busy on that day?

me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate

*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!

Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now

I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor