*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
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FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car