Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[voice recognition in car]

Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”

I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.

I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.

Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.

Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-

If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.

Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏

*I mean there’s construction on our street

coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad

I’d like to speak to America’s manager.

deleting my mental health to focus on my social media

Me: So, what do you do for a living?

Her: I flip houses.

Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.

Her: You’re an idiot.

Me: *brings a package inside*

4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?

Me: Just some bras.

4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.

MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh

Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.

Him: I’m an English teacher

Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes

*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*

HOT POCKET

*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*

Girl: do you have a condom?

Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen

*hears a knock on the door

4: daddy I think I started a fire

thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones

BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.

Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?

If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.

Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids

Husband: What’s the nightmare part?

Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.

2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.

Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.

Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula

[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*

CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now

ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough

Finally, an instrument I can play!

If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.

George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.