If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
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there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!