*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
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addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”
I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.
I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
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Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”