*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
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Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.