Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…

I call it my jingle bell rock.

“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said

guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking

I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.

did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything

everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks

february: no

[pulled over]

Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it

Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up

gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”

me:

Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.

At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.

If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.

And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.

me: I was busted by the cops

friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine

Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.

Her: Why don’t you get married?

Me: I’ve never been that hungry.

Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.

How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.

The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.

I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.

I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.

When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute

I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents

God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”

Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids

Wife: When?

Me: Between 2 and 5

Wife: Ok

Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6

*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”

[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.

Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song

Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.

Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want

Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though

Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN

Me and kid:

scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?

other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?

scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours

Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move

Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…

Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct

[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop