@AimeeHelene1

*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*

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@webofevil

Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.

@GoddessTitty

My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass

@leftarmisme

Kid being grounded in 1978:

YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.

Kid being grounded in 2018:

YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.

@OtherDanOBrien

Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back

@DaddyJew

How many points do I get if I hit a Pokemon player with my car?

@randomlawless

When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”

@NamestartswithZ

*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all

*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few

@captainkalvis

friend: is this tv high definition

me: let’s check. TV, what’s alfredo sauce?

TV: *rips bong* pasta frosting

@BCMontgo

I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.

@LoveNLunchmeat

[Grand Canyon]

*His screams echo as he falls to his death*

OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?