*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
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Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open