Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.

I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.

A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.

Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart

Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck

In their other hand

My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs

Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.

So, teardrop tattoo it is.

I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.

Guys.

“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows

Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.

The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list

[lights 2016 calendar on fire]

There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”

Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.

Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.

A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.

Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.

My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better

Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”

*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW

Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.

But he’s never made it as a wise man.

I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits

My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.

*watching Hoarders

Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.

The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.

Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.

What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.

The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕

Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.

Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.