[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
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Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love!! They just opened up a cheesecake sample cart at Costco
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.