Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.

My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.

6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes

I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background

Two
Three
Four
Tell the people what she wore…

Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.

I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.

The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.

You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.

[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it

Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.

Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year

Me: NOT THIS TIME

Kids: *already running away with my pants*

I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.

Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.

I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.

since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical

“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”

– Adam & Eve on laundry day

Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class

Me: *has cold*

Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe

Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.

How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.

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Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target

I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.

Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.

Woman: I’m a penguin.

Therapist: No, I meant lie down.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today

ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose

PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance