*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
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*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket?
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Security are trying to arrest a man who stole some binoculars from Duty Free. The problem is he can see them coming a mile away
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night