Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THERAPIST: What do u wish for?

WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together

ME: A penguin butler

English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather

I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat

[buying groceries]

me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?

Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not

[1 year later]

Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong

My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…

It’s called Wordle”

[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]

Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.

Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.

harry potter: i’m depressed

dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it

harry: yeah

dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets

EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS

I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park

*puts to and to together*

*blesses the rains down in Africa*

A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless

[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2

me: can you calm down

The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot

At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.

OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON

me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking

friend: did it work?

me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken

The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.

I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”

Guys: I’m educated about female issues.

Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?

Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.

A party without Vodka is just a meeting.

You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.

I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.

What is love?

You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?

*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW

If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”

Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.

In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive

“I’m a night owl”

all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.