Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets

He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.

Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE

I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti

Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?

Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end

Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.

HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?

ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.

“Dad?”

“Yes, son?”

“Where do busboys come from?”

“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”

twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.

Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”

I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone

Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.

I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings

[job interview]

What are your strengths?

Me: inventing special occasions.

Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*

[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]

HER: Aw, this makes my day.

ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.

I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF

feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?

happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog

[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]

“And you said I’d never be your favorite”

Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.

they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year

There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal

Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head

[first date]

Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.

Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?

Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME

ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?

ME: Not murdering.

ATTORNEY: But where were you?

ME: {sweating} The not murder store.

Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn

Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.

I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.