Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: why are you crying?

me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing

grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd

Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops

Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”

there was another, tinier cement truck inside

Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.

Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,

ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?

“Remember where we parked.”

-Me, to my dog.

deleting my mental health to focus on my social media

flight attendant: would you like two peanuts

me: please

fa: thimble of soda

me: ok

fa: move your seat back 1/8″

me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury

Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.

Damn chess infection 😕

can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”

Twerking is the crocs of dancing.

I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.

Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.

My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.

Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?

Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.

The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.

Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?

Me: Contuitively.

if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them

I am absolutely never leaving this website

If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.

Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.

Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”

Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!

I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.

somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship

people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once

*watches nature documentary*

*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*

Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?

Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.

“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron