*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
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*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Yup.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.