Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.

My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!

Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair

Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.

Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*

6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down

If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories

American Horror Story: Public Restroom

[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN

Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.

#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther

My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA

one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!

Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.

911: What’s your emergency?

I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!

911: Are you being tortured?

They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair

911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?

“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week

My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.

I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.

Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.

me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that

*internal alarm…awakens at 6am

*presses nose

*sleeps 9 more minutes

Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.

My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.

A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.

#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!

Day 4: They suspect nothing.

📸:

I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.

Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit

Me: Are you sure about that?

*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*

Cop: Have a nice day, sir.

*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*

Wife: Where’s Brian?

Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?

Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.

DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again

ME, AN OCTOPUS: what