Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit

The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar

I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.

#goodplan

Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”

I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”

Mommy, what are these?

“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”

Oh, then you shouldn’t yell

“Why?”

[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP

How to resolve a complaint from neighbours

[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone

son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]

the three bears:

Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like

i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone

The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.

I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!

I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.

Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?

Me: So when a man and a woman…

they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there

fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am

*blunted, plastic butter knife

Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move

Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…

Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct

DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*

The most avoided species of shark is the Loan

I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

*Standing in my shower*

I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.

GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM

My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.

Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full

I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.

Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?

You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider

The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.