*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
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Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
To everyone I’ve wronged this year. Next year same time same place
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
host: name a famous tattoo artist
me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.
When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.
Here’s the picture I used for the ad.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?