*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
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$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
greetings!
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.