Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?

Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–

Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT

Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?

Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure

Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?

Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us

Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.

Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django

Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!

4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.

This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.

I bet you didn’t see that one coming.

The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow

I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.

Nobody:

Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD

[spreading rumors]

me: R
O
R
U M
S

[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*

MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?

ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther

MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away

ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie

my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high

Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class

if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps

[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.

Kids teach you so many life lessons.

Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.

“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”

*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn

Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email

my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?

RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much

Zordon: go find me some high schoolers

Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?

Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex

Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.

I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.