Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom

If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.

I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.

I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.

two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet

I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.

Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*

NINE MONTHS LATER

*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes

These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.

Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.

My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️

No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.

can I use a minion as a tampon

director: ok, hit the lights

me: *slaps a lamp*

director: no i meant kill the lights

me: *pulls out a gun*

I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.

My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends

I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.

[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls

Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.

Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.

Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.

Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.

I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.

I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.

The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.

Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.

What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?

Drive like no one is watching.

I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court

CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow

SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever

CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?