Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.

Batman: We also poop.

CG: We?

B: They. I mean they

I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.

*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.

You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you

An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”

[archaeological dig]

ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here

ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot

The afternoons I spent on my hair.

Franz Kafka, 1912.

Me: I’m gonna make you groan!

Her: you mean moan?

Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets

Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits

An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.

My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.

Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.

*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?

Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.

Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?

Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…

Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO

Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!

Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.

A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.

Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.

Santa: yes.

Me: put them together?

Santa: yep.

Me: wrap them up?

Santa: that’s right.

Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?

Santa:

Me:

Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.

Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?

Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”

I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.

Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?

Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.

Wife: I counted 19.

Me: Well I rounded down.

Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.

Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.

“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*

Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.

– No child ever.

I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.