Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.

Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.

Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch

Guy at urinal next to me:

It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.

[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.

Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Her: no

Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.

Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.

[driving]

ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly

WIFE: ok we’re almost home

ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!

[i run in]

ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee

I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense

The only real importance in life is getting ahead.

Head. I meant to say head.

real

kids: the floor is lava

teens: the floor is laundry

I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.

Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.

You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.

Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.

Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .

My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all

[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS

SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

HIM: Sure.

SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.

HIM:

SHAKESPEARE:

HIM:

SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.

Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.

oh so when jesus does its fine but when i yell “one of you is going to betray me! everyone just eat me!” im ruining ruths chris for everyone

[Naming Days Meeting]

Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.

Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?

Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.

…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.

Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’

Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’