Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.

– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery

Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”

*hand over my wallet*

Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”

“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff

Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”

CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber

BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!

Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend

Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either

*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*

“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”

Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.

My kids: What’s a telephone cord?

[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible

Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger

My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.

If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.

I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined

People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced

when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol

A comb is the ultimate parting gift.

[on deathbed – calls for son]

“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything

Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!

Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*

Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?

if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson

Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.

Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.

GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop

ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?

GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs

ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap

Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.

This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show