Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know

Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”

People: wait no, why are you like that

Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.

Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.

I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.

HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly

on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud

One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.

A love story

I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.

A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.

(Adobe CEO’s house)

Like the new couch hun?

Update it.

What about the wallpap…

UPDATE IT ALL.

You’re scaring the ki…

UPDATE THEM TOO…

i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her

(Job interview)

The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later

Me: Okay, I’ll start later then

I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday

WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not

a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down

HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.

Most people like a little something to remember you by.

Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.

[cute guy approaches at bar]

Him: Hey can I…

Me: [blushing] Yes?

Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.

There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.

Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.

-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.

got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi

Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen

My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.

[speed dating]

date: what’s your biggest turn on?

me: wind turbines

date: ah i’m not a big fan

me: next

What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?

“Get in the van if you want to live.”

Creepy Terminator…

Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.

dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume

Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*