*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
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I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
*lint rolls you awake*
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak