Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh

What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation

I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.

My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday

FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar

Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.

I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes

like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula

Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118

My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.

this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista

Banderslack Clamberdorch

Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.

I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.

Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.

Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.

Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*

What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not

One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day

My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction

I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.

In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.

Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.

I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…

I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.

let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth

I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.

But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.

Him: I like to play devils advocate

Me: There are way better games out there

idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.