*opens fortune cookie*
“REDACTED”
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Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Not today. 😅
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
I saw instructions in a mens restroom on how to wash your hands properly. How stupid is that? As if men read instructions
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Do u think the white fluid in the robots on Alien is battery fluid or milk. I’ve been calling it robot milk but no one likes when I say that
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
The hospitality industry is always looking for influencers who can bring visibility to their business. YOU could be that influencer! and having your own professional travel blog is how you do it! Click here to start your own travel blog #ad
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes