*opens fortune cookie*
“REDACTED”
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Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.