Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…

Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.

This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.

interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?

me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming

interviewer: no screaming

me: then it’s my calm demeanor

I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding

When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.

[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere

People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.

Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.

The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”

mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.

Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.

It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?

I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound

i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”

Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)

DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft

If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.

I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.

Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.

You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.

I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.

Probably just poor graphic design…

Still not gonna drink from it.

You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?

peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig

*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?

I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.

The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.

TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.

Alas, this is not so.

[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly