Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.

[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?

Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…

“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles

Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream

Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled

Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala

Me: What time should I pick that up?

After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”

Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime

John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more

Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.

Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.

Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??

Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now

*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?

Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.

Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night

If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors

Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.

The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos

Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.

The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends

[First Date]

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”

Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”

Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”

New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!

Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!

Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.

TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.

My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.

He’s 21 and home for the summer.

It doesn’t get better.

I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..

Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.

Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.

Doctor: You’re sick

Me: Yeah?

Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough

Me: Awww

Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL

Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.

if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse