Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?

Me: What if the seller is a murderer?

Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?

#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..

[Flirting]

I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.

Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is

I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?

I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.

Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016

Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally

I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.

Mugger: Give me everything you got

Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia

I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.

The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production

PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?

ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.

I miss dating

The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…

*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th

[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”

“You have 999 new matches”

Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own

It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.

[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*

Man: dog is my best friend

Dog: man is aight I guess

Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.

the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit

Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet

I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed

(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.

(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.

*does hair and makeup*

*drives to the gym, takes selfie*

*leaves*