Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.

People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me

Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you

Me: Do that thing I like.

Husband: Soaks dishes.

Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’

Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”

ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?

me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life

There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.

Mission control: what’s happening up there??

Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem

may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.

[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.

Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.

I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.

Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.

me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: hmm, that’ll be too much

can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?

“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.

Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says

Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are

My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.

Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.

Me: I burn it when you leave.

I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.

You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.

Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty

My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.

Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.

Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.