[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
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Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
😏😏😏
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.