Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.

Me : Flow away, I’m busy.

An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth

~ realistic wedding vows

Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.

What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice

Ouija boards are like unannounced phone calls for ghosts

You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees

My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are

If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting

What do you call a laughing motorcycle?

Yamahahahahahahahahaha

[me being lowered into my grave]

the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you

[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]

“I brought chicken”

Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.

Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err

im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!

Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?

My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes

Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.

Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️‍🔥

One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.

Me: Touché.

Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight

Narrator: He did not play his cards right

As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.

My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.

Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?

*shoots kneecap*

How bout now?

I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.

Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water

Guy 2: why

Guy 2: well it’s shark week

Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is

Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.

My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.

I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.

Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.

i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs

My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.

Me: But she’s the right kid?

Wife: Yes. But…

Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.