*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
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REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.