Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.

If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”

Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?

Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”

“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”

“No whey!”

I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?

Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.

Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.

Society: Dance like no ones watching.

Also society: Records it for everyone to see.

I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do

DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…a raise?

HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?

Me: I’d like to report a hacking!

My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win

To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.

Aim at his smartphone.

He’ll die faster.

I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”

Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns

Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me

good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*

Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.

Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1641938097679265792/pu/vid/720x1280/iOVjzu03SMIKVlPa.mp4?tag=12

Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?

If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost

him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.

Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire

I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams

The lost art of being “wishy washy.”

Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.