Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?

Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.

Then he turned to wrestling.

Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.

When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.

[Watching “Alien” with my son]

Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared

Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.

migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field

My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.

Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.

Me: I can’t stand them more.

People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.

You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.

After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.

[first day in hell]

Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.

Satan: Muahaha!

Me: The air…it’s moist.

Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.

Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.

Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.

Yes, I am a fully grown woman.

No, I won’t leave this ball pit.

Cop 1: There’s been another murder

Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging

Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus

[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.

going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous

Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..

‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’

~The monster under my bed

My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting

Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”

Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”

Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..

The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.

Wish the trash would take me out for once.

My heart hurts when you’re not around

*buuurrrrpp*

Never mind

no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,

I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”

How all things should be taught/explained.