Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”

[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u

[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…

Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem

Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.

My love language is hissing.

Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.

“I totally didn’t say that.” – God

It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four

15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule

One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?

Show your work.

💀🤣

i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly

[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere

If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.

Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?

Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.

Please. My avocado. It is so sad.

Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still

With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter

‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂

I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.

We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict

Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.

5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”

Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.

Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”

Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”

“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.

A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa