Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.

I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy

a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins

[LA Earthquake]

Me: Wow, do you feel tha-

Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!

i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor

[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird

Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.

Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.

Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.

the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.

My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget

My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.

Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.

I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit

Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”

Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.

*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*

[1st night w/Russian bride]

“take yr panties off”

[smaller panties underneath]

“them too”

[even smaller panties underneath]

“damnit…”

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.

Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”

Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.

I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”

Good God that’s customer service.

I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.

[police questioning a friend about my murder]

Police: Did he have any enemies

Friend: Boy did he ever

My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.

This is bullshit.

If you love someone, let them go.

If they don’t come back, get a dog.

Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements

Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order

Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them

COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?

ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.

My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”