*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
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THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled