*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
You Might Also Like
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
How do you milk an almond?
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.