Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.

VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.

When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??

If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.

Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”

Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.

If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.

– Old folks home fortune cookie

I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.

I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.

Oh, to be a rat with a pancake

Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.

Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now

In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.

Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts

Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks

The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce

A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.

If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?

therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?

me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?

therapist:
No.

me:
….Knives?

therapist:
Forget I asked.

Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD

man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”

Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news

A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?

I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.

Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?

Me: No

B: Tell me our company policy

M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober

The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle

Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year

On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?

My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.

Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me

Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.