Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a snake charmer]

me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what

cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*

I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.

genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u

me: random rule but ok

genie: seriously don’t even try

me: ok i won’t

genie:

me:

genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work

Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming

“But dad we’re goldfish”

Oh yeah, I forgot

“Forgot what?”

inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”

I have patio furniture in the friend zone.

Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.

The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.

[petting a cat]

Owner: He’s my little fur baby

Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy

Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.

My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.

Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.

[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*

[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”

[First day as a Scientist]

Boss: We need some petrified wood

Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*

[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?

DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p

ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia

If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.

I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in

“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”

I slowly look up. My time has come…

Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.

ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.

That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.

Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.

Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?

Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.

Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.

“Holy infant so tender and mild.”

-cannibals

Mongoose is French for “my goose.”

Creepy-crawlies

Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.

You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.