Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.

Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!

A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.

Credit: Orawan Thongchinda

Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either

If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle

Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”

Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”

I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing

Taliband

My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.

Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous

Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning

Me: Haha, I saw that

Her: What?

Me: What?

FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.

There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture

My beach vacation Google searches

OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners

If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”

Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do

Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.

Me when they’re trying to close the buffet

I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.

Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?

He thought he had job security…

I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.

[at Starbucks]

ME: One large starbuck please.

BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-

ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.

Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.

A letter home from Burning Man:

“My Dearest Martha:

I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”

half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both

Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.

Husband: Oh really?

Me: Yeah, it was……

Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……

Me: The gif that keeps on giving.

*Husband leaves room.

I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’

👃🏻: what are you wearing?

😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.