Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions

Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?

When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?

Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?

Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.

I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.

Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.

Me: I wish for unlimited genies.

Genie: Son of a

It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk

A ghost story

Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.

him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?

me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose

him: that’s not what I asked

me: that is the information I have

Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning

Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.

DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*

If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.

side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close

me: it’s fine there’s room

side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU

My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting

Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color

After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.

[detention facility]

Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?

Jeoff: loitering

Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?

Me: I don’t have Netflix

Her: It means sex

Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either

My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.

I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me

Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”

went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces

Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Me: Can you explain your haircut?

Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror

as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.